[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
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I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
He-man has a Masters degree
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?