Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
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They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…