When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
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At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
The game has officially changed 😎
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
#oldknees