LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
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if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
having children is a pyramid scheme.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.