“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
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Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.