having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
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#SaturdayBears
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
So true for me
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no