[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
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[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.