be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
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imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now