My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
โIt rises in the yeast and sets in the waistโ ๐๐พโโ๏ธ๐๐พโโ๏ธ
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I like long walks away from everyone
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didnโt listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
My brain is a bad influence on me
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. iโm eating a frisbee
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
๐ See no evil.
๐ Hear no evil.
๐ Monkey beat-boxing
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
The nice thing about getting older is that you donโt even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
reminder
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.