At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
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The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”