There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
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Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse