police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
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[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.