Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
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A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
It was worth a shot 😂
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”