Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
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God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.