I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
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HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.