Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
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Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with