Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
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Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
You saw nothing. I am ham.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.