Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
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Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.