WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
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Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.