(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
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If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
My last name is Zilla.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one