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Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
when the doctor brings med students into your exam