My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
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doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.