The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
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It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Same pineapple, same
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children