[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
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I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.