Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
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Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Holy crap this is wonderful
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser