Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
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[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Good advice.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
So creative 😂
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that