Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
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Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Seas the day!!!!
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.