Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
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Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.