How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
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The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
mom gave me mine for free
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.