Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
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SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
We avoided this particular disaster
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Monday Lisa
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”