The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
You Might Also Like
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.