I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
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I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”