*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
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[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.