6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
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*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
what’s really going on
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.