P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
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Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Personal question. #JustSaying
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
at ease…shoulder.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
B
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”