Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
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The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do