Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
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A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.