My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
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guys i’ve cracked the code
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
#Caturday
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.