Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
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I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”