It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
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How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
The Compass
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.