I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
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Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
The two types of wives
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you