Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
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I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Happy weekend !
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.