“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
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Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?