some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
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I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
58.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care