I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
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Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
when there are deer in the woods
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
yeet
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now