Why do meteors always land in craters?
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*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.