[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
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WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room