All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
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Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”