I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
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If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
I have a new favorite meme page
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Coffee for people with no kids