I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
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maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Bringing home a sharpie
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Nomnomnomnom
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.